SPOILER ALERT: Don't read unless you've read chapter 26 in Into the Wilderness.
I don't know whose ass I think I'm foolin'. I have had that damned buckskin-wearin', lacrosse-playin, hottie patattie on my brain all-the-live-long-day.
I was up reading at 6AM. WOWIE MACWOWIE, BATMAN! So much shiz has gone down, I don't even know where to start!!
OK so...when we last saw our heroine and her hunky mountain man, they were skulking down the river in a canoe with Runs with Bears or Fights with Bears. (Put it this way, he's a guy who does something with bears.)
They ended up at a really nice house with really rich people, just like they always do in the Outlander novels. So they've gone from trekking around in the brush to having the bath brought up for them and having their hair brushed - all by some dumb fool who is either a servant, offspring of the homeowners or both. Who ever really knows in these stories.
So we had this great fight scene where Tanto - I mean Nathaniel - held her down on the bed by the wrists...Jamie style...and had his way with her. What I LOVED about this scene was where he actually said something like "Sorry - that wasn't so great for you". I was all "YOU GO, GUY!" And now girlfriend is all curious about "satisfaction"...but we'll get to that in a bit.
I can't TELL you how happy I was when Liz (easier to type) decided NOT to wear Bathes with a Dovebar's dress. She was standing there, looking at herself in the mirror...and I was all kinds of creeped out...thinking "Ew - this is not you. This is the dress of a Native American. Not an English woman." And don't get me wrong - I'll bet that dress was STUNNING...but it just wasn't Elizabeth. NOT to mention that Washes with a Dovebar hasn't even WORN it yet to her upcoming marriage to Does Something with Bears. I mean - come ON! The woman put 100 hours of beadwork into it! Let her wear it new!
OK so anyway - they got married...Nate in his white linen (scrumpdillyicious!)...Lizzie in her boring, drab, grey dress. (Yawn. I'm over her boringness. See my rant about Diana from A Discovery of Witches for further explanation.)
They eat dinner...she goes to bed...leaves him downstairs...(is it me or should he be called Dead on his Feet right about now? The man carried a canoe about a zillion miles and rowed the damned thing all over New York State for god's sake.) He goes to bed - watches her sleep - sleeps - watches her sleep s'more...and then what happens? I'll tell you what happens. Lizzie's kidneys take over and then all HELL breaks loose!!!
First of all - I would NOT have peed in that damned bowl-under-the-bed if I were her, either. Uh uh. No way. When you're married a while and he's heard you toot...yeah...it's OK then. But not the morning after the wedding. I'd have done the same thing - I'd have marched my ass outside to the privy and enjoyed my privacy.
But who can enjoy anything when out of nowhere, that rat bastid DICK TODD shows up!!! (He became Dick to me when he grabbed her. I will not tolerate physical violence from anyone; not even an ejumukated man like Dick.)
Then...all bets were off. Buh bye, Dick. Leave me and mine alone. But nooooo...he's got to get them to agree to go to Albany to settle affairs. And that's where I am now. Thankfully, Dick's letting Lizzie stay home..which is K-I-L-L-I-N-G me. She and Nate are going to be apart. And I won't have it!
This is TWILIGHT all over again! Just when I was getting into it and loving the new couple...BAM! The asses have to go and play baseball and blow it all to smithereens. EXACTY what's happening here! Nate's going to leave town and have adventures with Dick and Bear Who Scalps the White Man and poor Lizzie is going to be STUCK twiddling her thumbs with Alice and Jasper!!! It's just so unfair!!! To ME! I want them TOGETHER!! As Tracey always says about Jamie and Claire: it always falls apart when they separate. STAY TOGETHER!!!
OK that's it for me. I'm going to read. STAY TUNED!!!
Post Script: Satisfaction!! Boyfriend was JUST ABOUT TO GO DOWNTOWN when Lizzie had to run out and do her biznazz. WHAT a bummer. I hope to get back to that at some point in the future.
PLEASE NOTE: I realize I have messed around with some Native American names in this post - and will most likely continue to do so while I blog about this series. I want to point out that I have the greatest respect for the Native American culture. Please do not mistake my sad attempt at comedy for anything other than that.