Married?! MADDIED!

SPOILER ALERT: Don't read unless you've read chapter 26 in Into the Wilderness.

I don't know whose ass I think I'm foolin'.  I have had that damned buckskin-wearin', lacrosse-playin, hottie patattie on my brain all-the-live-long-day.

I was up reading at 6AM.  WOWIE MACWOWIE, BATMAN!  So much shiz has gone down, I don't even know where to start!!

OK so...when we last saw our heroine and her hunky mountain man, they were skulking down the river in a canoe with Runs with Bears or Fights with Bears.  (Put it this way, he's a guy who does something with bears.)

They ended up at a really nice house with really rich people, just like they always do in the Outlander novels.  So they've gone from trekking around in the brush to having the bath brought up for them and having their hair brushed - all by some dumb fool who is either a servant, offspring of the homeowners or both.  Who ever really knows in these stories.

So we had this great fight scene where Tanto - I mean Nathaniel - held her down on the bed by the wrists...Jamie style...and had his way with her.  What I LOVED about this scene was where he actually said something like "Sorry - that wasn't so great for you".  I was all "YOU GO, GUY!"  And now girlfriend is all curious about "satisfaction"...but we'll get to that in a bit.

I can't TELL you how happy I was when Liz (easier to type) decided NOT to wear Bathes with a Dovebar's dress.  She was standing there, looking at herself in the mirror...and I was all kinds of creeped out...thinking "Ew - this is not you.  This is the dress of a Native American.  Not an English woman."  And don't get me wrong - I'll bet that dress was STUNNING...but it just wasn't Elizabeth.  NOT to mention that Washes with a Dovebar hasn't even WORN it yet to her upcoming marriage to Does Something with Bears.  I mean - come ON!  The woman put 100 hours of beadwork into it!  Let her wear it new!

OK so anyway - they got married...Nate in his white linen (scrumpdillyicious!)...Lizzie in her boring, drab, grey dress. (Yawn.  I'm over her boringness.  See my rant about Diana from A Discovery of Witches for further explanation.)

They eat dinner...she goes to bed...leaves him downstairs...(is it me or should he be called Dead on his Feet right about now?  The man carried a canoe about a zillion miles and rowed the damned thing all over New York State for god's sake.)   He goes to bed - watches her sleep - sleeps - watches her sleep s'more...and then what happens?  I'll tell you what happens.  Lizzie's kidneys take over and then all HELL breaks loose!!!

First of all - I would NOT have peed in that damned bowl-under-the-bed if I were her, either.  Uh uh.  No way.  When you're married a while and he's heard you toot...yeah...it's OK then.  But not the morning after the wedding.  I'd have done the same thing - I'd have marched my ass outside to the privy and enjoyed my privacy.

But who can enjoy anything when out of nowhere, that rat bastid DICK TODD shows up!!! (He became Dick to me when he grabbed her.  I will not tolerate physical violence from anyone; not even an ejumukated man like Dick.)

Then...all bets were off.  Buh bye, Dick.  Leave me and mine alone.  But nooooo...he's got to get them to agree to go to Albany to settle affairs.  And that's where I am now.  Thankfully, Dick's letting Lizzie stay home..which is K-I-L-L-I-N-G me.  She and Nate are going to be apart.  And I won't have it!

This is TWILIGHT all over again!  Just when I was getting into it and loving the new couple...BAM!  The asses have to go and play baseball and blow it all to smithereens.  EXACTY what's happening here!  Nate's going to leave town and have adventures with Dick and Bear Who Scalps the White Man and poor Lizzie is going to be STUCK twiddling her thumbs with Alice and Jasper!!!  It's just so unfair!!!  To ME!  I want them TOGETHER!!  As Tracey always says about Jamie and Claire:  it always falls apart when they separate.  STAY TOGETHER!!!

OK that's it for me.  I'm going to read.  STAY TUNED!!!

Post Script:  Satisfaction!! Boyfriend was JUST ABOUT TO GO DOWNTOWN when Lizzie had to run out and do her biznazz. WHAT a bummer.  I hope to get back to that at some point in the future.

PLEASE NOTE:  I realize I have messed around with some Native American names in this post - and will most likely continue to do so while I blog about this series.  I want to point out that I have the greatest respect for the Native American culture.  Please do not mistake my sad attempt at comedy for anything other than that.

Where's the BEEF?!?

SPOILER ALERT - Don't read unless you've gotten to chapter XXIII in Into the Wilderness.  Yeah - I don't know what the hell chapter it is, either.  I'm guessing 23.  ;)
And be warned - there will be commentary about the Twilight series as well as the Bronze Horseman series in this post.  If you haven't read either of them...then RUN, don't walk to your nearest library and pick them up. Seriously.

OK - I've got some things to say...and I'm not sure if you're gonna like 'em...but I gotta say 'em anyway.

Let me preface this by saying I am really enjoying the book.  Last night I watched nothing on TV; only read.  And then went to bed and read.  That tells you something right there!

Comma...however.  DETAILS!! WHERE are the DETAILS?!  I'm in the middle of reading about their first time together...and he's all lovin' up on her...and she's all moaning out loud for the first time when he bent to get something off her chest with his tongue...and BAM!  It's over.  And she's laying on his broad shoulder.  And I'm checking to make sure I didn't skip a page like I did with Breaking Dawn and the feather scene.  Hello???  You can't make such a big deal about the woman being a spinster-virgin at 29...and then go from barely third base to cuddling!  Am I spoiled from that rockin' scene with Tatiana and Alexander in The Bronze Horseman?!  WHERE was the "OK this is going to hurt a little?"  WHERE was the  "It hurt like a mother...until it didn't"???  WHERE were the rocketships and the fireworks and the little guy at the carnival saying "Awww heck - you can go back on the ferris wheel for free!"  WHERE was it all?!

OK so then he pushes her in the freezing waterfall and she goes home and sees Richard on her porch with Mr. Bennett and pretends to be sick.  "Thank you, Curiosity, for taking advantage of that clearly unused brain in my head."

So then someone is sick (yeah right) and Richard has to leave...and Curiosity wakes her up and sends her on her merry way...and she runs into Kitty With Her Boob Hanging Out (sounds like a song so I had to capitalize).  Not sure if Julian saw her...but didn't really care either way.

So I'm looking forward to this huge trek up the mountain and her knocking on the cabin door and Nathaniel coming to the door in his loin cloth...and them packing quickly and taking the little sandwiches that Someone Whose Animal Name I Can't Remember packed for them and running off together...but instead I get them shoving off in a canoe!  And it's already happened!  And I MISSED IT!

I am going to pick up my kids from school soon and will be reading for a longgg time because it's raining and everyone knows you have to leave at 2:20 to get one of the snotty, coveted spots up in front of the door.  I will take my cup of coffee and my sugar cookie from Delicious Orchards (where we only go once a year in October) and I will read like a mofo.  And I can only hope that SOMETHING about their escape is explained to me while I'm doing so.

And do not kill me for this...but honestly?  I think I might have picked Richard.  He's supposed to be good looking, right?  And he's got money and property and a house and isn't all that terrible.  And he's got a past that's just itching to be picked at like cheese that stuck to the plate or a little scab on your head from scrubbing too hard with the shampoo.  Yup.  I like hot, educated men with skeletons in their closets.  (Jamie Fraser...Edward Cullen...Alexander Barrington.  Although was Alexander educated in anything other than war and makin' babies?  But I digress.)

My point is - I think Richard is a very untapped resource.  And he kindof makes me look at Nathaniel and wonder "whats the big deal?"  (See Carol.  See Carol duck and hide.  See Carol skulk off when no one's looking.)

Soooo....let's hope that Nathaniel is worth his weight in property value...because I'm not so sure I'm smitten.

More later!

What a Tangled Web we Weave!

Spoiler Alert:  Don't read unless you've read...geez...I dunno...chapter 17ish in Into the Wilderness.

Oh yeah.  Nathaniel's growing on me.  BIG time.  I KNEW he'd be on that Lacrosse field.  I just KNEW it.  And of course he scores the game-winning goal...with his red and black-painted face.  Ya-Um. That is just one fine non-Native American-who-wishes-he-were-Native American.  Mmmm hmmm.

And I LOVED when he said "I'll come for you" and then showed up at the house...took Elizabeth into the barn, sat her ass down and said "Talk to me."  THAT was hot.  Because it was so ATTENTIVE.  I also love how he hasn't laid a hand on her!  Such respect!  Such chivalry!  Such a mannnnnnnnly man.

OK so Elizabeth is pretending not to care about Nathaniel while the snow thaws...so she can run off and marry him.  And I'm feeling kindof bad for Richard Todd and even MORE bad for poor Katherine!!  Hey, Elizabeth?!  How's about throwing some of your sloppy seconds back so this poor girl can have some chance of happiness, mmmm kayyyyy???

The Judge is going to freak the freak out when he finds out what his dear Lizzie has been up to.  I look forward to that little showdown because that fellow is completely CLUELESS.

And dontcha just LOVE how Julian wants himself some Abigail slash Many Doves slash I-don't-care-what-the-eff-you-call-her-as-long-as-she-stays-the-frig-away-from-Nathaniel"?!  (Although I question whether or not she could actually be Nathaniel's half sister).  I just love that he's loving a Native American, too...and ain't nuthin' Daddy can do about it.  I hope they get together.  You know, so Lizzie can have some kin folk of her own once she moves on up to Walton's Mountain with Runs Faster Than Wolves or whatever the hell Nathaniel's Indian name is.

Yup.  Nathaniel's growing on me...

MUST go read.  More later.  Squee.

Oh No They Di'nt!

SPOILER ALERT:  Do not read unless you have read page 1 in Chapter 9 of Into the Wilderness.

So far...

Elizabeth is very cool...to a point.  After that point, she gets on my last nerve.  Girl...speak UP!  Or DON'T!  But for love of god - make up your spinster-assed MIND.  Her brain works a lot like mine...and I think that's why she drives me insane.  Going, going, going...thought after ridiculous thought.  And seriously, has she never had a conversation with a male before?  She's what - 29 years old...and NO ONE has ever made advances toward her?  I can't believe that.  I won't believe that.

I must believe that?

Now...Nathaniel...hmmm.....boyfriend is a different story, entirely.  I'm behind pretty much everything that comes out of his sarcastic mouth.  I dig sarcasm in a male hero, when it's coupled with swooning, googley eyes.  Yessir.

Now Julian? Yeah.  I hate him because I'm supposed to hate him.  He's a douche.  Although I think he's got a few good deeds up his sleeve.  Maybe I'm wrong.  We'll see.

And you know what's on my nerves today?  "Oh...Curiosity and her daughters aren't our slaves or anything...but they sho' can serve us dinner on Christmas day...mmmm hmmm.  Sho can".

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?  It's CHRISTMAS!!!  If they're not your slaves...how's about giving them a DAMNED DAY OFF ON CHRISTMAS?!?

Sorry - residuals from just finishing "The Help".  I am still angry.

OK - off to read...this book is addicting.  Damnit.